Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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