I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize