No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
