I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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