I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
