I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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