The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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