my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The air was thick with penises
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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