They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
