I will die if light touches me.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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