I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
