I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
