Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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