Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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