she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
