JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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