I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize