considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's never too late to be topless.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
