I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
