you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
