She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize