You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize