pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
