It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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