You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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