do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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