The maid of honor just puked.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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