i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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