I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
