oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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