she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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