Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
