So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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