At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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