well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
