To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
