An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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