My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
