you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
