It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
