She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
