just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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