i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
