New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
