Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
