so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
