She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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