The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
