if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he laminated a picture of his dick.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
