the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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