if only i could text you this smell
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I am available for nakedness
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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