Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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