i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
