if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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