My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
