We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize