I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
