I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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