omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
