I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
