so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
