would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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