fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize